How to Figure Out What You Want

There is a particular skill that most women have never developed: the ability to want without immediately editing the want. To know what they actually desire, separate from what is practical or what other people need.

This skill is the foundation of a life that actually works.

1. Tell the Truth About What Is Not Working

You cannot want your way toward something better if you are not honest about what is not working right now. And most women minimize.

Start with the truth. Go through the seven areas of your life — your health, your relationships, your career, your finances, your home, your personal experience, your spiritual connection — and for each one ask: what is not working here? Not a vague sense. The specific thing.

What do you want instead?

2. Ask What You Want Instead

This is the magic question and also the one most women skip. They identify the problem and then keep staring at it.

The moment you name what is not working, immediately pivot: what do I want instead? Not what would be okay. What do I actually want?

Let yourself answer without editing. The practical questions about how to get there come later. First you need to know where you are going.

3. Give Yourself Permission to Want

Wanting is not selfish. It is a natural human drive. The hunger you feel for a better life, a closer relationship, more meaningful work — that hunger is not something to be managed or suppressed.

It is information. It is telling you where your life needs to move.

Your wants work like true north. Once you know them, they help you decide everything else. Give yourself permission to know them. Give yourself permission to go for them.

Your wants work like true north. Once you know them, they help you decide everything else.