How Many People Have Voted on Who You Are?

Who are you as a woman? How many people have you allowed to answer that question for you? Actually, think about that. The honest answer might surprise you.

So many people have had a vote in who you’ve become

As a young girl, your parents help define who you are, and you learn early that your choices either please them or don’t. Then your siblings get in on the game, and your friends influence you. As you make your way through school, your teachers shape how you see yourself, and as you start dating, you actually begin to shift your interests to make your partner happy.

As you move into the work world, your peers weigh in. If you become a mom, that archetype shapes your expectations of yourself, and if you don’t become a mom that’s an entirely different hurdle to clear. If you have kids, and they make friends, their parents get a vote on who you should be.

Then society at large pounds you with unattainable messages about what it looks like to be enough as a woman. By the time you’re in your 40s, 50s, or 60s, so many people have had input on how you see yourself and who you think you should be, that who you actually are and what you actually feel about her can get buried underneath everyone else’s opinions.

What you really feel and who you really are can get buried underneath everyone else’s opinions.

“I don’t recognize myself anymore” isn’t a warning sign

The two most common sentences I hear from women are, “I don’t recognize myself anymore” and “I don’t feel like myself anymore.” I understand. I felt that way in the early part of my perimenopause journey too. Here’s what’s actually happening in this phase of life. You’re going through a shedding, and the things that don’t fit you anymore are starting to fall away, almost like a skin you’ve outgrown. If that’s happening to you, I want to encourage you to let it happen. Allow it. Let the parts of you that got buried by taking care of everyone else, by adopting other people’s interests and other people’s likes, fall away. That’s not a loss. That’s you making room. For you.

Follow your curiosity, it will never lead you astray

Once you’ve made room, the question becomes what will fill the void? My advice is simple. Follow your curiosity. Think back to who you were before anyone else’s opinion carried weight. Who were you before decades of other people’s input piled on top of you? You’re still in there, and you’ll find your way back to yourself one curiosity at a time. Revisit an old interest. Check out something new just because you think it’s cool. Think back to your favorite game in 3rd grade. I liked to play teacher, and it’s no surprise I’m still teaching. My 3rd grade self knew a thing or two about my real self. Yours will know a thing about you too.

Follow your curiosity. It’ll never lead you astray.